There are moments in life when we react before we realize we've reacted. A comment lands. A look is interpreted. A memory is triggered. Suddenly we're defending, withdrawing, explaining, pleasing, or pushing back. Then there are other moments—we pause, notice what's happening inside us, and meet the moment consciously.
This critical distinction—between reaction and response—sits at the heart of emotional intelligence, Internal Family Systems (IFS), and Dr. John Demartini's work on balance and meaning. In my own work, I describe this shift as Creating the Eight.
Different disciplines use different language, yet they all point to the same profound human experience: the capacity to pause, observe, and choose how we show up in challenging moments.
Dr. John Demartini describes two distinct ways our brain processes the world around us, each serving a different purpose in how we navigate life.
Internal Family Systems describes this same distinction experientially: parts that react, protect, manage, or avoid—and the Self, which brings calm, clarity, compassion, and perspective. Daniel Goleman's Emotional Intelligence sits naturally between these worlds, recognizing emotion while choosing responses aligned with values rather than impulses.
Imagine two people standing on opposite sides of the same symbol drawn on the ground. One sees a 6. The other sees a 9. Both are correct—and both are incomplete.
Conflict doesn't arise because either person is wrong. It arises because each believes their perspective is the whole truth. This is what happens when we are emotionally hijacked.
The 8 is not a compromise between the 6 and the 9. It represents a different level of perception entirely—a place where both perspectives can coexist without contradiction.
Neurologically, this is the executive center coming online. Psychologically, it is Self energy leading rather than reactive parts. Relationally, it is the capacity to hold empathy without losing oneself. At the 8, emotion is not denied or overridden—it is included without being allowed to dominate.
When emotional intelligence is low, emotion operates unconsciously and reactively. When it is high, we can observe our internal experience with curiosity.
IFS describes this as noticing a part without blending. Demartini describes it as stepping out of amygdala dominance. This is the first move toward the 8—recognizing that we are having an experience rather than being the experience.
Self-regulation is not control—it is capacity. Can I stay present with this feeling without acting it out or suppressing it?
At the 6 or the 9, impulse or avoidance dominates. At the 8, there is space. And in that space, choice returns. This creates the essential gap between what we feel and what we do.
Creating the Eight is not a one-time insight—it is an ongoing practice that becomes more natural with repetition. When emotional charge arises, this framework can guide you back to center.
This process restores balance not by force, but by inclusion. It acknowledges the validity of emotional experience while preventing any single perspective from dominating our entire response.
The 6 and the 9 will always exist. Parts will always have perspectives. Emotion will always arise. The work is not to eliminate any of these, but to notice when we've been pulled out of center—and to Create the Eight again.
This is the essence of emotionally intelligent living: meeting real situations as they are, with clarity rather than reactivity, and allowing meaning to guide our responses.
For some, this unfolds quietly through reflection and practice; for others, it's supported through intentional conversations that help slow the moment down, listen more deeply to what's happening inside, and reconnect with what matters most.
Wherever you are in that process, the invitation remains the same—to return to the centre, where perspective widens, parts soften, and change becomes possible.
Ready to explore this practice further? The journey from reaction to response is one worth taking, and support is available when you're ready to deepen your understanding.
We invite you to connect with us to explore how these practices can transform your life and relationships. Take the next step towards a more centered and intentional way of living.
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