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From Holding Both Sides to Finding Self
Unlocking possibilities through integration, not control.
The Six
One valid perspective on reality, containing partial truth
The Familiar Place Where Growth Begins
Much of the work I do with individuals, leaders, and teams begins at a familiar place: inner tension. Two competing perspectives. Two opposing impulses. Two "truths" that both feel valid — and yet somehow incomplete.
This article explores what it really means to find Self, why noticing our internal parts matters, and how integration opens new possibilities in relationships, leadership, finance, and life.
Beyond Positive or Negative: Why One-Sided Thinking Falls Short
Dr. John Demartini's work highlights an essential insight: wisdom emerges when we can see both sides of any experience. He cautions against the trap of one-sided "positive thinking." When we deny downsides or dismiss discomfort, we create imbalance. Homeostasis — psychological and emotional equilibrium — is lost.
Each perspective contains truth. Neither is wrong — and neither is complete on its own. Yet many people get stuck here, understanding both sides but remaining internally conflicted. Why? Because seeing both sides is still a cognitive act. Integration requires something deeper.
The Missing Piece: Understanding "Self"
This is where Internal Family Systems (IFS) offers something profound. Developed in the 1980s by Dr. Richard Schwartz, IFS emerged from an unexpected observation: clients naturally described themselves as having parts.
"Part of me wants to move forward. Part of me is scared. Part of me feels responsible for holding everything together."
Rather than pathologizing these experiences, Schwartz listened. What he discovered was not fragmentation — but organization.
Parts Are Not the Problem
In IFS, every part has a positive intent. Even behaviors we label as "negative" are often protecting something vulnerable. Inner conflict is not dysfunction — it's communication. But alongside these parts, Schwartz noticed something else: when parts softened or stepped back, a consistent state of being appeared. He called it Self.
What Self Is — and What It Is Not
IFS describes Self through the 8 Cs, also including Creativity and Connectedness. When Self is leading, parts feel heard rather than overridden, reactivity reduces, and decisions become measured rather than forced. Self doesn't eliminate parts — it relates to them.
From Six and Nine… to Eight
Where my work extends this conversation is in recognizing that balance isn't always the end point. Sometimes, trying to "see the other side" becomes another form of control — the mind overriding the nervous system.
In my framework, the six is fully allowed to be six. The nine is fully allowed to be nine. Neither is rushed, corrected, or recruited to cancel the other. When that happens, something else emerges: the eight.
From an IFS lens, the eight closely resembles Self-leadership — the state that arises when no single part is running the system.
Why Parts Matter in Relationships and Challenging Situations
Brené Brown's work reminds us that vulnerability is not weakness — it's uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. Yet in moments of conflict or challenge, we often respond from protective parts, not Self.
These parts aren't "bad" — they developed for a reason. Problems arise when parts become blended with identity, when reactions replace reflection, and when fear replaces curiosity. Adam Grant's research on rethinking echoes this: growth requires the capacity to loosen our grip on certainty. That curiosity is not a skill we force. It's a quality of Self.
Leadership, Purpose, and the Inner North Star
Simon Sinek speaks of finding your why — your purpose, your North Star. What's often missed is this: purpose is clearest when the internal system is calm.
When leaders are driven by unacknowledged parts, urgency replaces intention, control replaces trust, and vision narrows. When Self is present, direction emerges naturally, decisions align more easily, and teams feel safer to contribute.
This is where opportunity appears — not because tension disappears, but because it's held differently.
Unlocking Possibilities by Creating an Eight
The work I do with Unlock Possibilities is not about fixing people. It's about noticing the parts at play, understanding what each is trying to protect, and creating the conditions where Self can lead.
When the system settles, a quieter, wiser position often emerges — the eight. From there, financial decisions become clearer, business strategies feel less forced, relationships soften, and creativity returns.
An Invitation
If you're feeling stuck between perspectives — in life, leadership, finance, or relationships — it may not be a lack of insight. It may simply be that too many parts are speaking at once. When the noise settles, something else becomes available. That's where possibilities unlock.
Further Reading
- Richard Schwartz – No Bad Parts and Internal Family Systems Therapy
- John Demartini – Articles on balance and values
- Brené Brown – Daring Greatly and Atlas of the Heart
- Adam Grant – Think Again
- Simon Sinek – Start With Why and The Infinite Game
